I hate you, I hate you
I wish you were dead
I can’t believe the horrible
Things you just said.
You told me I was ugly
You told me I was fat
You told me my breath smelled
And my chest was flat.
Can’t imagine why you think
You’re such a catch
You were never exactly
The best in the batch.
I hope all your hair falls out
I hope your willy rots
May you catch something nasty
And come out in spots.
And then when you’re sorry
Don’t come crawling to me
I’ll stamp on your fingers
And spit in your tea.
Here lies the body of Samuel Dunn
Who thought there was something wrong with his gun
One day he pulled the trigger in vain
So he peered down the barrel and tried again.
*
O spare a tear for poor old Fred
Who kept his gun beside the bed
Next to his phone, which wasn't wise
And sadly led to his demise.
As he lay sleeping sound, it rang ...
At least he went out with a bang.
*
Here lies John Pride
Who tried
To drive
And stay alive
Reading a book.
He was mistook.
Now he's better read
But dead.
*
In her SUV with four wheel drive
Towards the flooded bridge she sped
Alas! poor Glad would be alive
If she hadn't believed what the satnav said.
*
Beneath this stone lies Henry Fiennes
Who lived on cabbages and beans
Which formed a noxious distillation
(Combined with lack of ventilation)
And made him from this life depart
Poisoned by a monstrous fart.
The gallant Earl of Oxford
So debonair of mien
Betook himself to London
To bow before the queen
As he bent low before her
In obeisance profound
A massive eructation
Did through the halls resound.
The courtiers gasped, the queen turned pale
Inhaling foetid air.
Th’ embarrassed Earl of Oxford
Retreated in despair.
When seven long years had passed away
In boredom, he did yearn
For court - and surely he by now
Might venture to return.
The contrite Earl of Oxford
With countenance serene
(But buttocks clenched together) stood
Again before his queen.
Elizabeth smiled upon him.
‘Welcome with all my heart!’
She cried. ‘And never fear, my lord,
We have forgot the fart.’
The world is growing warmer
It isn't hard to tell
Keep on the way we're going
We'll end up hot as Hell.
Merrily, merrily with the stream, who can resist the flow?
Into the vortex headlong plunge, gurgling as we go.
Oil slick on the ocean,
Aerosols in the air
As long as we keep flying
Buggered if we care.
Merrily, merrily pull the plug, wallowing in the spray
Biological detergent will wash our sins away.
Oven ready production lines
Profits get a boost
Not so bootiful, alas
When turkeys come home to roost.
Merrily, merrily on we go, swirling around the bend
Curse of the battery chicken pursuing us to the end.
We have to keep on spending
For that's the only way
We can be sure we're worth it
Just like the adverts say.
Merrily,merrily down the drain, our aspirations pour
Leaving our carbon footprint all over the bloody floor.
Around the money tree we chase
The complimentary lunch
Now listen to the pips squeak when
The credit starts to crunch.
Merrily, merrily stoke the flames, no-one shall go without
But when the pot boils over, the fire will fizzle out.
